twelve: overwhelming

so many things have been happening to me these days it's really hard to keep up. i think most of it are things which i've brought upon myself so there's probably no one to blame except myself. like the people whom i allow to walk into my lives. not sure where things are going, what's happening.

so many expectations to fulfill and so many "ideal lives" to live it's impossible. i'd like to have a backbone to stand up for the things that i am so far and to stop seeking for a different me.

it's amazing how other people's lives seem so much more interesting that whatever i'm doing. and there's so little which i can do about it anyway. what am i saying? i don't know.

i think this brooding mood is quite useless. no point complaining here because nothing is going to change.

eleven: hall

i've thusfar been lodged into raffles hall and to be honest, it's been quite an experience for me. cultural shock is one of the first thing that struck me because for once, being singaporean is a minority in this microcosm. i'm now in an environment where i actually have begun speaking chinese again which i thought was quite funny at first, given my inability to express much in chinese. i don't feel like i'm in singapore anymore, like NUS is a United Nations where the predominant nationality is not mine. it's been an eye-opening experience. there are actually even two exotic hungarians there speaking in their native tongue.

another aspect of hall life which i actually have problems with is how it is able to operate completely independently from the outside world. through the bustle of activities and people you are forced to interact with, and this is actually after speaking to a senior for a first hand opinion, one is able to cease interaction with much of the outside-hall world. i don't know if it's true but the first day of orientation and feeling the zeal and enthusiasm of the seniors, i really have the opinion, that i'm asked to suspend all externally related relationships, be it medicine faculty, old friends, or even the semblance of a personal life, in order to commit myself wholeheartedly to the hall. and this is not from the foreigners in the hall, i can see how being a foreigner makes things very different, but rather from some of the locals, singaporeans like me. i constantly get the feeling of a certain aloofness in that they interact as an insular group. please prove me wrong. there is really so much more to hall life in this world. and my personal, possibly stunted view, is that most of the rest of our lives will not be operated on such nice personal and cosy terms.

i risk being an outsider in my own home but i think i need to do what i believe is right and best for me. i know i'm justifying myself here but heck. at least, maybe you had a good read and laughed and my false earnestness.

ten: argh

i'm so totally screwed up. i can't make up my mind. and it's all my fault. everything that has happened so far. sometimes you have this picture of yourself and you think you're working towards it but then one day, you'll just realise that you've had enough of it and then you feel like you've wasted all your time.

now just change the you to i. the your to my.

argh, what am i doing. songs are my opiate to life. a place where the rhythm's just fine, the words make sense and everything's in harmony. i am SO totally screwed up.

nine: what's wrong

why aren't my posts being published!!!

eight: stones a-skipping

i just got a new laptop and so i was spending some time transfering things from one comp to another. things like my collection of songs - wouldn't want to have to download everything again - or saving photos which i stored in my computer. and then it struck me how my emails which i still keep from people who matter would be lost. i don't think i may ever re-open my old computer. it's now a lost treaure chest.

i got down to reading some of my old messages and it brought back all those memories. memories to die for, memories to tide me through all the times when shit happens. maybe people all go through the same things in life but i like to think, and i'm certain it's true, that everyone's version is that little bit different. after all, we're all different.

it's so amazing how that little word or those three words put together or that short phrase can mean so much. something so simple yet so beautiful. and there's often meaning in everything, this song which you gave to a loved one, or this coffee place where you whined to a listening friend, or a movie which you watched, or a moment, or a sound, or a poem, or a ...

i think God has been very nice to me. the people i've been put around rarely colour my experiences badly. i know so many things which i have fond memories about, places in this world, phases of my life which have been beautiful because of people. yes, you. and you and you.

and there closes one interface into my life.

Seven: Medicamp

medicamp is today, more accurately it's in 2 hours. before the commencement of this, i'm going through a list of what could potentially go wrong. pessimist. but there's chaos theory and there's no such thing as flower theory or strawberry ice cream theory or something nice theory.

1. my bag is too big. i think i always look like i've overpacked although i'm convinced that my bag adds 10 pounds.
2. i forget everyone's name except my own during ice breakers and have to endure the snide looks of disapproving people. not so bad but really, i remember names badly.
3. icebreakers. they are always high strung and high tension and having to make that 5 minute thesis about myself, and seriously it's not like it's the emmys, is plain hard.

ok, i can't think of anything else but orientation did not go well for me in JC. this isn't orientation actually, it's more like the hor d'oeurve of orientation. okok, must not be pessimistic. psyche up.

Six: 2 kangaroos!

2 Kangaroos! they're really tame and they won't kick or punck you. i think they're quite small too. i always remember comic books having scarily ginormous kangaroos. maybe a different breed or these are just joeys.

Five: and the blog lives...again!

i'm back to blogging again! why? well i was blog surfing and i kind of thought that it may be quite nice to have ablog again. besides, i'm so free for the moment i might as well do something. and i got my tag board. copied the code from my old blog. i wonder if thats allowed. i tried to get a separate free one but then they made me sign up for some credit card so NO!, i'm not doing that. bwahaha.

let's see, what have i been doing? um, oh, i just came back from melbourne! it's a nice place, the weather's really great and i love cities which have rivers through them, like paris! and they have a casino which is quite fun i guess if you're with a huge bunch of friends and all of you are losing money and hostile to each other. maybe not fun but funny after a few days.

hmm, oh, medicamp is starting tomorrow yay! geek! oh dear, ok, nevermind and whatever!

um, nothing else to add. just typing and typing.

oh, and life is good!