thirty-three: on goodbyes

when you reach home, get on msn and find that people's nicknames have changed to phrases like another friend gone, you realise once again how someone has once again walked out of your life, even if truth be told, that person may never have been especially close to you. maybe it's knowing that you've somewhat lost the option of knowing that person better.

i don't think i've had more than my fair share of goodbyes to say to people - two really close friends, soon three by the end of the week, and a couple of good friends here and there, hardly constitute a life of great loss. but still, i think you just need to lose one great friend to realise that your life is invariably going to be affected by it.

i've always felt this sense of loss whenever i say goodbye to people. uncertain how to feel, whether i want to feel sad. it's really a choice i think, because we can choose not to want to commit to our feelings and choose not to feel at a loss but then isn't that somewhat of an insult to the friend? yet, we can't go around all day being at a loss, because c'est la vie and the reality is that life really does have to go on. we simply can't afford to put ourselves down whenever everyone we know walks out of our lives.

i'm beginning to think that it's a balance somewhere. maybe out heart knows this balance and we feel whatever we're meant to feel naturally, instinctively. if not, then we have to decide for ourselves. i think for a friend who's been there with me through my ups and downs, enduring that period of sadness and all the recurring bouts of desperation must be a deserving tribute.