fifty-two: pause

i was sitting on the bus on the way back from my usual bus-stop at holland village reflecting on the activities of the day and how much it felt like we were a bunch of friends who had known each other for a long time. there was something during the game of mahjong, the huddling around of the tv to watch Joey, and the x-box tennis matches which felt natural, and normal, but in a good way. familiar is the best word to describe the feeling i guess. and towards the end i even felt a little sad, that this was the end of the festivities for a while, no more christmas, new year or any other holiday to revel in for a long time. it's a withdrawal symptom of sorts, since the past few weeks are without doubt the festivals which mean the most to me. what now, i asked myself, that school is just going to roll on until the exams come. perhaps it's a feeling of the lack of certainty, no date already pre-destined for greatness to be a special occasion, and hence, nothing left but the uncertainty of possible fun. if anything it is a mark of how much school has become in my life, and how powerful it is that it's very mark on my timetable is an indelible one of tedium. so much for what i've advocated about how school and what really is to be "work" from now on must be taken as secondary to life as it's very self, lest one feels washed out.

somewhere amidst all that is the knowledge that i need to be calmer, that there can be mahjong even without chinese new year and carols even without christmas.

fifty-one: limbo

perhaps i am at the airport, waiting, waiting for the time to will itself away to the time it is ripe for me to go. all the goodbyes have been said and that time long gone by the now. i am truly in transition, far removed from friends and the inanimate one becomes accustomed with. all parts of this terminal explored, the whiffs of food, the artificial plant garden set up in the corner for those still clinging on to photograph - i am still here, no? - and even duty free, how aptly named for the bored and irksome traveller. it is a moment of the present past and the present future.

but presently, i am just in the library waiting for lesson to start.

fifty: tomorrow

there are certain days which are impossible to get by except through humble recollection of the past and hopeful thinking of the future, the misplaced day. days when there is some heaviness in the heart. it is the periodic irregular bump in the comings and goings of any week, appearing in the time when one is left too much to his own devices and with too little serving as distraction.

forty-nine: home

here's a really nice song.

Home
by Michael Buble


Another summer day
Is come and gone away
In Paris and Rome
But I wanna go home
Mmmmmmmm

Maybe surrounded by
A million people I
Still feel all alone
I just wanna go home
Oh I miss you, you know

And I’ve been keeping all the letters that I wrote to you
Each one a line or two
“I’m fine baby, how are you?”
Well I would send them but I know that it’s just not enough
My words were cold and flat
And you deserve more than that

Another aerorplane
Another sunny place
I’m lucky I know
But I wanna go home
Mmmm, I’ve got to go home

Let me go home
I’m just too far from where you are
I wanna come home

And I feel just like I’m living someone else’s life
It’s like I just stepped outside
When everything was going right
And I know just why you could not
Come along with me
But this was not your dream
But you always believe in me

Another winter day has come
And gone away
And even Paris and Rome
And I wanna go home
Let me go home

And I’m surrounded by
A million people I
Still feel alone
Oh, let go home
Oh, I miss you, you know

Let me go home
I’ve had my run
Baby, I’m done
I gotta go home
Let me go home
It will all right
I’ll be home tonight
I’m coming back home

forty-eight: dread

i was looking back at the photos which i took over the past holiday and i saw the reason why i felt that interminable dread just a moment ago that school has started already. i did have a fantastic time in the holidays, something which i'm going to find hard leaving now that school has started.

forty-seven: gone

its been a long week, drawn out because of the celebration of two huge festivals, christmas and then the new year. for me it's felt like a week, and also that a whole year has passed. the varied things which have preoccupied my time this week have been somewhat unpexpected but sweet to do. last week was characterised by being out of singapore, this week was really about being here.

it seems like such a long time when i look back at the events of the past week. going to macritchie reservoir (what a surprise) to exercise (double surprise), chinatown to eat herbal jelly and walking around the esplanade (that's more like it!), the random and weird things which i've done, like make a photo collage and make those japanese cheesy sticker things which i have always, and probably still do, find irksome and rather pointless, to christmas parties and new year parties which somehow aren't so clearly defined and make you stop and wonder, hey, what's the occasion for being here, and then realising that it's about being with friends during the special moments; it's all added up to a special week which ended the year.

time flies and here we are again standing where it all begins, on january the first, trusted once again with our 20th opportunity to make good the time which has been given. this day one year ago was so much more different. i wonder at how the rest of the days will unfold.

happy new year everyone