fifty-six: normal service resumes

i rummaged through my drawers and i found my RJC orientation guide book and suddenly, just felt overwhelmed with nostalgia at a time that has come and gone away. oh dear, this is not good. earlier this evening i saw a friend's msn nic, and it read, we may not have tomorrow, but at least we have yesterday, which in a way, kind of sums up what i'm feeling. if there was one thing i could ask for, i guess i wish i could start at JC again and go through everything there one last time. i miss the weekly basketball and football games, the time the whole class sat in the canteen and ordered Californian 2 for 1 pizzas, ORA day in 2004 where i embarassingly got my fingernails painted with nail polish, and mundane things like checking the class letterrack. there just seemed to be so many things we did as a group then and i quite miss the group activity feeling, the multi-faceted dynamics, the noise, the chaos, the indecision. we all knew each other pretty well then and as a class, we all had our comfortable niche. we were comfortable with each other.

i don't know how to end this entry properly so i'm not even going to try.

fifty-five: defeated

there are times in life when you feel like the strength of your character is being tested. times when things don't go the way you want them to go, and sometimes the most unlikely of things can happen to catch you off your guard. and at the expense of sounding dramatic, i feel like something of this sort is happening to me now. moments like this fix me with a sense of powerlessness, i'm unable to do anything to change the situation, to make things better, or to exact the kind of justice dictated in my terms. moments like this when you feel that you're the most reasonable, the most wronged. but then, ultimately, justice is arbitrary, and, by the way, so is wrong and right.

but coming back to the point, i can only say that i hope that it'll be all over soon. and that everything will go back to normal, without all the drama. somewhere inside me, i feel that i'll come out of this learning something in the process, as already, i'm beginning to sniff some lesson and some good out of all this. it's been a sucky few weeks to say the least, but i thank God nonetheless, for giving me friends to see me through it all. i hope all this will end soon.

fifty-four: much

i sit at my desk. it's the dead of night and there is absolute silence except for the cars which zoom pass intermitently, speeding because they know that there is little to stop them. my balloon bobs near to me, yearning to fly away except for the weight which is just that much heavier than it's will to escape. and i know soon it will give up and slump to the ground.

two very different situations. the cars unfettered, the balloon attached to its yoke.