all i'm doing is skipping stones

blog shifted to www.impassible-mound.blogspot.com

2007-05-07T01:07:00.000+08:00

there are moments when we feel the bristles of greatness brushing at us, when we're in the presence of a force so magnetic and strong it stirs the essence within us. we listen in awe to every account, cling on to each syllable with dear life and hear with such intent that every nuance and inflexion is measured as finely as a tuned instrument.

we seek to become a part of that greatness even as we look within and realise we will never jump across the chasm that separates and distinguishes. we mention the great person often, hoping that people will speak of us in the same mention - he too knew of those great deeds - at the same time chastising ourselves for even yearning to devalue such greatness by aspiring to be of the same league.

and next comes the emptiness and the sorrow that we are not flesh and bones but stick figures only, unable to withstand what barrage this world throws at us. we even cringe as we listen, what more can we expect of ourselves to experience.

when greatness blows in, it is only for a moment before it slips out. greatness is the nimble whirlwind that engages each establishment and inverts our roofs so as to reveal what mettle lies within us.

the frosted window pane

2007-03-30T00:47:00.000+08:00

i can almost imagine myself becoming a repository of nothing but past experiences.

the last few days have struck a nostalgic chord within me, one that looks towards the future to seek out what will change and how that will affect me. the people that i've unexpectedly let into my life and those habits which now seem hard to dissociate from. the veritable comfort of what now seems like a more than decent lifestyle weighed against the uncertainty that promises. many issues come to mind, from very practical ones such as how to spend time, to deeper, less transient matters such as who and what to hang on emotionally to.

it seems like people are more pragmatic then romantic. perhaps it is just their nature, but perhaps it is a constant struggle whose easiest resolution is to ignore what appears to be the most natural inclination.

do people need other people? or have we given purpose and reason to everyone? or have people become nothing but a buttress to ourselves, giving definition to our personalities such that we lose a part of what defines us whenever we asunder the relationships we have with people, be they our friends or enemies.

reading

2007-02-24T01:57:00.000+08:00

the beauty of words strung together in impossible combinations to tell a million different stories. there's nothing in life quite like the feeling you get after reading a good piece of prose. to feel a glimmer of what the author is submerged in. to be washed up on a desert isle with nothing but the licking waves of the sea for you to guess what the ocean can be like. and in moments of boredom, moments when all you seem to seek is for that little bit of splendour to remind you that there is something beautiful in this world, there will always be the power of words to fall in love with all over again.

sixty-three: a new day

2006-08-11T22:29:00.000+08:00

i couldn't help feeling that this is a new page turned. the start of school today has pushed aside the madness of the past 4 months and more recently, orientation, being an OGL, and all the other orientation stuff which accompanies a new batch. it was a relaxing day today, without too much school, and just the right mix of friends and post-school activities. and add to that the slight tinge of rain. this new year seems exciting, with much left uncertain, and much new things to learn, and of course, the chance to start anew.

and i've decided to start a journal again, so the already sparse postings here shall become even fewer and further between.

sixty-two:

2006-07-30T12:24:00.000+08:00

things don't always make sense, and are often not thought thouroughly through, yet sometimes we crash in life knowingly, expectantly, just hoping, and perhaps wrongly, that because we are still young and have time on our side, that it will eventually redeem us of whatever pain we cause to ourselves and others.

what hurts me most inside is that we will no longer make any lasting memory together.

sixty-one: how did one year of medicine pass so uninspiringly by?

2006-07-23T14:56:00.003+08:00

something felt lacking as i flipped through photos i took from the year 2004, when i was still in JC. armed only with a primitive point and shoot camera before the days of my digital one, i ended up with hardly perfect shots. many were often blur, shaky and it needed my annotations on the side to make out what the photo was all about.

most of my photos then were about the many things my class used to do. this birthday celebration in the swensen's at holland v (one too many in that same place now i realise), or that class outing to a poshier restuarant to mark the end of the common test. i guess that's what i wish i have, a place where all was familiar and warm. a group of friends i'd be able to meet regularly, daily, people whom i knew and people who knew me.

one year of medicine has gone and another has come by. why don't i see myself wishing that medicine school would stay on forever the way i wish that i could bring myself back to those gates of rjc, put on my uniform, and enjoy the unexpectedness of each day. medicine has been methodical, safe, and stale.

what will another year do to me?

sixty: in shanghai

2006-06-12T17:13:00.001+08:00

time is the hythm we march to. just something that popped into my head. it does sound rather silly now, all poseur and presuming.

it seemed queer this morning when i realised that i've moved two steps away from what should be the norm of my life. one step was when school was out, and the other is now, that i'm in china and have been in china for a while now, enough to begin to feel the settling in of a new routine. not that i do want to remain here, i'm excited to be getting back home soon.

i can't think of anything else to write at this moment so this is it. i do get flashes of thought which i must spell out occasionally but nothing at this moment.

fifty-nine: much has happened

2006-05-21T11:15:00.000+08:00

wow, it's been my longest break from writing something here. so long i actually forgot the URL to sign in.

to have 4 months of rest ahead of me at the start of april was always a blessing although the lack of promotion security at the time didn't make the break seem like 4 months. still, even if i count the holidays as starting from the time the results were released, i guess 3 months is still going to be more copious then i have ever experienced.

i've had bouts of waking up in the morning and attempting to make myself not take the holidays for granted. what i do is i try to tell myself that if school had started i wouldn't be able to just sit there and "wake up" for real, i'd be scrambling to get bathed and changed. but it's so hard to really project yourself into what you're not experiencing now.

last week when there were some courses and hence the need to return to school, i felt this measure of dread because the change of lifestyle from weeks of being able to decide what to do for the day to having the timetable planned for you felt like too sudden a change. i think what that really meant was that i had taken the holidays for granted already. the problem with school is that it represents a significant reduction in the number of experiences i can have in a day.

still the holidays have been great. i've managed to reconnect with my secondary school classmates through floorball every saturday and i've been out of the country, albeit just to malaysia a number of times, and also that i've done a whole lot of new things i've never done before.

fifty-eight: europe

2006-04-09T10:41:00.000+08:00

europe, the continent which is eluding me. it's quite amazing how everyone seems to be going overseas. but it's a privilege to go abroad and not something to be taken for granted. i guess medicine people are just the mroe affleunt lot. anyway, despite knowing that i still feel very much like it's necessary. and so i get increasingly vexed that i have no plans, and even worst, no remaining people to go with. this all amounts to a rather irritating situation.

fifty-seven: cross it

2006-04-04T19:30:00.000+08:00

well, i guess i couldn't resist the temptation of blogging on the day before the final day of the exams.

it's been an amazing month. few months actually, since i think this whole episode started before CA2. in fact, i think that this may just have begun at the turn of the new year, with the knowledge that something big was going to come, and then the 4 month break which everyone can only begin to dream about. especially since i don't think i've ever had a 4 month break in my life before.

and as i've said before, it's been a trying month in a number of ways, more than just the insanity of studying. after the anatomy paper, i thought to myself if perhaps things were looking up from my month of rather unexpected downs. i guess the last two days have been good and more than anything, i'm thankful for it. i just hope that tomorrow will be the same, because tomorrow is where it all matter's. no point getting past the last 2 days and then faltering at the end.

so i guess that's that. it's april already and i've got nothing much to remember for 4 months of this new year i realise because most of it were spent memorising. maybe the next 4 months will make up for it in a bigger way then i can imagine.

fifty-six: normal service resumes

2006-03-24T21:42:00.000+08:00

i rummaged through my drawers and i found my RJC orientation guide book and suddenly, just felt overwhelmed with nostalgia at a time that has come and gone away. oh dear, this is not good. earlier this evening i saw a friend's msn nic, and it read, we may not have tomorrow, but at least we have yesterday, which in a way, kind of sums up what i'm feeling. if there was one thing i could ask for, i guess i wish i could start at JC again and go through everything there one last time. i miss the weekly basketball and football games, the time the whole class sat in the canteen and ordered Californian 2 for 1 pizzas, ORA day in 2004 where i embarassingly got my fingernails painted with nail polish, and mundane things like checking the class letterrack. there just seemed to be so many things we did as a group then and i quite miss the group activity feeling, the multi-faceted dynamics, the noise, the chaos, the indecision. we all knew each other pretty well then and as a class, we all had our comfortable niche. we were comfortable with each other.

i don't know how to end this entry properly so i'm not even going to try.

fifty-five: defeated

2006-03-23T20:34:00.000+08:00

there are times in life when you feel like the strength of your character is being tested. times when things don't go the way you want them to go, and sometimes the most unlikely of things can happen to catch you off your guard. and at the expense of sounding dramatic, i feel like something of this sort is happening to me now. moments like this fix me with a sense of powerlessness, i'm unable to do anything to change the situation, to make things better, or to exact the kind of justice dictated in my terms. moments like this when you feel that you're the most reasonable, the most wronged. but then, ultimately, justice is arbitrary, and, by the way, so is wrong and right.

but coming back to the point, i can only say that i hope that it'll be all over soon. and that everything will go back to normal, without all the drama. somewhere inside me, i feel that i'll come out of this learning something in the process, as already, i'm beginning to sniff some lesson and some good out of all this. it's been a sucky few weeks to say the least, but i thank God nonetheless, for giving me friends to see me through it all. i hope all this will end soon.

fifty-four: much

2006-03-22T00:24:00.000+08:00

i sit at my desk. it's the dead of night and there is absolute silence except for the cars which zoom pass intermitently, speeding because they know that there is little to stop them. my balloon bobs near to me, yearning to fly away except for the weight which is just that much heavier than it's will to escape. and i know soon it will give up and slump to the ground.

two very different situations. the cars unfettered, the balloon attached to its yoke.

fifty-three: next skip

2006-02-27T23:45:00.000+08:00

and so it has come to this. a year of medicine school will be over in 3 days, followed by a CA and then the final exam 3 weeks after. it has all seemed too fast to be true but yet, it cannot be denied. the advantage of a 5 year phase is that one can sit and pause intermittently to soak in the atmosphere of that phase of life, without fear of the moment passing too quickly. my example, JC, too fast for a breather to reflect and to realise the surroundings.

it amazes me how much has happened in this one year of school. how different it is from what i expected university to be when i was lying on some groundsheet at marsiling. how amazing it is that so much has changed in my life. sometimes life zips past so fast there is hardly any time to remember what happened before this moment, and hit by a wave of nostalgia for the past, i recount in my head how much army was a struggle to overperform and how it was like to yearn to leave it. and look here, now i am in the middle of medicine, oh how absurdly time flies.

somehow, i feel that with this past year and it's soon completion, i can finally say that i've moved on from the chapter before this. that finally, i can say that i am no longer in the previous phase of my life and that certainly, something different and new has occurred. it's the end of a lingering association. i think this closure is in no small part aided by my failing memory of the past but also more importantly, that i feel that i have added on so many new memories since that day i stepped into medicine that the old ones of army, or JC, or anything before, that i've begun to undergo the natural process of blurring. and this must be the natural process of all things.

two pages of the calender will soon be turned, still the arrow of time cuts cleanly through us.

fifty-two: pause

2006-01-31T23:48:00.000+08:00

i was sitting on the bus on the way back from my usual bus-stop at holland village reflecting on the activities of the day and how much it felt like we were a bunch of friends who had known each other for a long time. there was something during the game of mahjong, the huddling around of the tv to watch Joey, and the x-box tennis matches which felt natural, and normal, but in a good way. familiar is the best word to describe the feeling i guess. and towards the end i even felt a little sad, that this was the end of the festivities for a while, no more christmas, new year or any other holiday to revel in for a long time. it's a withdrawal symptom of sorts, since the past few weeks are without doubt the festivals which mean the most to me. what now, i asked myself, that school is just going to roll on until the exams come. perhaps it's a feeling of the lack of certainty, no date already pre-destined for greatness to be a special occasion, and hence, nothing left but the uncertainty of possible fun. if anything it is a mark of how much school has become in my life, and how powerful it is that it's very mark on my timetable is an indelible one of tedium. so much for what i've advocated about how school and what really is to be "work" from now on must be taken as secondary to life as it's very self, lest one feels washed out.

somewhere amidst all that is the knowledge that i need to be calmer, that there can be mahjong even without chinese new year and carols even without christmas.

fifty-one: limbo

2006-01-27T14:38:00.000+08:00

perhaps i am at the airport, waiting, waiting for the time to will itself away to the time it is ripe for me to go. all the goodbyes have been said and that time long gone by the now. i am truly in transition, far removed from friends and the inanimate one becomes accustomed with. all parts of this terminal explored, the whiffs of food, the artificial plant garden set up in the corner for those still clinging on to photograph - i am still here, no? - and even duty free, how aptly named for the bored and irksome traveller. it is a moment of the present past and the present future.

but presently, i am just in the library waiting for lesson to start.

fifty: tomorrow

2006-01-25T21:06:00.000+08:00

there are certain days which are impossible to get by except through humble recollection of the past and hopeful thinking of the future, the misplaced day. days when there is some heaviness in the heart. it is the periodic irregular bump in the comings and goings of any week, appearing in the time when one is left too much to his own devices and with too little serving as distraction.

forty-nine: home

2006-01-11T23:17:00.001+08:00

here's a really nice song.

Home
by Michael Buble

Another summer day
Is come and gone away
In Paris and Rome
But I wanna go home
Mmmmmmmm

Maybe surrounded by
A million people I
Still feel all alone
I just wanna go home
Oh I miss you, you know

And I’ve been keeping all the letters that I wrote to you
Each one a line or two
“I’m fine baby, how are you?”
Well I would send them but I know that it’s just not enough
My words were cold and flat
And you deserve more than that

Another aerorplane
Another sunny place
I’m lucky I know
But I wanna go home
Mmmm, I’ve got to go home

Let me go home
I’m just too far from where you are
I wanna come home

And I feel just like I’m living someone else’s life
It’s like I just stepped outside
When everything was going right
And I know just why you could not
Come along with me
But this was not your dream
But you always believe in me

Another winter day has come
And gone away
And even Paris and Rome
And I wanna go home
Let me go home

And I’m surrounded by
A million people I
Still feel alone
Oh, let go home
Oh, I miss you, you know

Let me go home
I’ve had my run
Baby, I’m done
I gotta go home
Let me go home
It will all right
I’ll be home tonight
I’m coming back home

forty-eight: dread

2006-01-10T01:20:00.000+08:00

i was looking back at the photos which i took over the past holiday and i saw the reason why i felt that interminable dread just a moment ago that school has started already. i did have a fantastic time in the holidays, something which i'm going to find hard leaving now that school has started.

forty-seven: gone

2006-01-01T09:08:00.000+08:00

its been a long week, drawn out because of the celebration of two huge festivals, christmas and then the new year. for me it's felt like a week, and also that a whole year has passed. the varied things which have preoccupied my time this week have been somewhat unpexpected but sweet to do. last week was characterised by being out of singapore, this week was really about being here.

it seems like such a long time when i look back at the events of the past week. going to macritchie reservoir (what a surprise) to exercise (double surprise), chinatown to eat herbal jelly and walking around the esplanade (that's more like it!), the random and weird things which i've done, like make a photo collage and make those japanese cheesy sticker things which i have always, and probably still do, find irksome and rather pointless, to christmas parties and new year parties which somehow aren't so clearly defined and make you stop and wonder, hey, what's the occasion for being here, and then realising that it's about being with friends during the special moments; it's all added up to a special week which ended the year.

time flies and here we are again standing where it all begins, on january the first, trusted once again with our 20th opportunity to make good the time which has been given. this day one year ago was so much more different. i wonder at how the rest of the days will unfold.

happy new year everyone

forty-six: grey's anatomy

2005-12-26T23:55:00.000+08:00

grey's anatomy reminds me of a reality tv series. the way the plot unfolds, it's a story about the lives of house officers in a seemingly competitive scenario. it starts with a senior doctor dishing out the "hard facts" about the number of people dropping out, getting sacked almost survivor jeff probst style; you can almost hear him say sole survivor at the end of his discourse.

the show is entertainment at it's latest heights. it is the next in a chain of other products - lost, desperate housewives, the OC. as with the other shows, it involves characters resolving their struggles and inner demons within an idyllic environment, preferably someplace distant and confined to our best imaginations. this time, the place is a hospital and its inner skeleton, the drama is the relationships between what seems to be the lives of doctors.

grey's anatomy fails to bring anything new to the posse of medical dramas. with such a wide selection these days, grey's anatomy doesn't live up to the complete manic presentation of scrubs, neither does it equate to the sombreness and smartness of house, even though it tries to achieve both aspects. rather than seek out a new aspect of the medical profession to highlight, it survives and subsists using the many cliches and common beliefs people already know about the medical profession, like the long hours doctors have to work, the crazy feeling of having to make snap, yet good, decisions.

and i really don't like the part where they milk the whole "i don't want to be a doctor, i can think of so many reasons not to be one but heck, i still am, i must be insane!" act. it just reeks of spoiltness and immaturity.

it may simply be a case of being too early to judge the show, since it's only in it's first episode. still, it seems to have gotten too dramatic and too unbelievable too fast.

forty-five: christmas

2005-12-26T00:40:00.000+08:00

i think christmas this year has been somewhat special compared to most years. i don't think i ever celebrated christmas the way i have this year, by attending concerts, or choral performances. but somehow there was a search for what i've always dreamed christmas to be, complete with the friends and the warm christmas spirit.

as i write this, charles dicken's famous christmas carol is playing on the hallmark channel. a christmas tree adorned with ornaments, crystal balls and other little glass things stands not far from where i am. i guess the point of all this is to somehow find that spirit of christmas, which is really something i wait all year for, yet only comes for a fleeting one day, and almost never lives up to all the pre-christmas hype.

but i think this year has been different, and so i'm here reliving the moments, trying to remember the times when i have felt that glimmer or a christmas spirit. whether it was listening to an arousing orchestral chrsitmas medley rendition, or watching the christmas carol played out in front of me, or immersing myself in a choir of popular christmas songs, and finally, with the simple act of going to church, i think i can put together small moments of christmas-ness. and friends, who make all the difference.

i've had a good christmas this year.

forty-four: random

2005-12-02T00:59:00.000+08:00

i've always wanted to be calvin from calvin and hobbes. something about calvin being fun loving, exhuberant, full of energy, daring to defy the odds and authority, and definitely, that spark of creativity and eccentricity. anyway, calvin and hobbes have kept me company for so long. all those hours spent reading it when i was bored. and then feeling sad when i knew there was a finite number of strips which i could read. well.

my roomate wrote me a nice card today in response to mine to him. it's funny actually. it showed how different we were. i wrote to him in english and he replied to me in chinese. and not even the chinese that i know. traditional chinese. it's funny how life is sometimes like literature. telling it's own story in the more subtle way. well.

forty-three: lazy sunday afternoon

2005-11-27T14:41:00.000+08:00

it's a lazy sunday afternoon. sitting too long on my bum in the mid afternoon singaporean heat with sweat collecting on my t-shirt. could really use some air-conditioning but then it may get too cold. well, it's a crazy world anyway.

i remember how i'd use to feel that the days before any major tests would be unnaturally calm and slow. a dip in the excitement leading up to the tests. a break before the final push during the paper itself. and then after that, release. calm before a storm and after too. but somehow this one feels different.

i was very amused over the last few weeks by the seriousness people are taking the coming CAs. me included. just read my previous paragraph and i guess you'd be able to tell that this CA is being compared to all those other major exams. people are sending "jia you" messages, encouraging people. there's the usual bunch of people who will skip lessons the week following the exam. no, it's not that they're psychotic and if you were an insider instead of an outsider, you'd somehow understand. it's just that this is really and truly the atmosphere now.

and all this for just a CA which pales in comparison to even the small class tests of the past. almost everything is an MCQ which numbers far less then the average SAT paper. the whole examination process will not even last the length of the two math papers of the A Levels. but yet, something is different now. something inexplicable.

it's not easy to break away from this cauldron of pressure. positive feedback. the pressure grows as more people catch it, as i'm sure you're able to understand.

forty-two: a semester over

2005-11-26T18:25:00.000+08:00

it's hard to believe that one semester of medical school is actually over. it's one tenth of the entire course and i like to believe that's fairly substantial. it's amazing how the simple passage of time can bring you from one place to another. time is the most amazing transporter, better than cars or buses or anything else. it's not bumpy, you barely feel it in the long term; it's so dependable, you always know where you're going. the problem sometimes is you don't want to go there.

the last day of school felt really weird for me. it wasn't like JC, but then again, so much is different. no fanfare, no cheer, no resurgent mood which you subconciously feel everywhere within the confines of a mass populace knowing that idleness, relaxation and rest is within reach. it was sombre, in part because the exams are next week, but also because i think there's just this sense that people have their own things to do and that you don't have any business to do with it. maybe people keep to themselves and their group of friends more. most definitely, people study a lot more, and honestly, i don't see how you can possibly involve too many friends in such an activity. but anyway, there's just this lack of cohesion that was present before in school.

no i'm not being a jock and looking for school spirit or anything. i really don't care about that. i find it hard to explain but it's just that feeling of being comfortable with each other. it's like school is this big lecture theatre and you don't really know everyone so you slide into the background and wait for the lecturer to start. and everyday is like that. there isn't a sense of being comfortable with your surroundings.

haha i'm surprised i actually got to this topic. i meant to say something else. wonder if i should but that would be quite random and i'd seem rather schizo. oh well. i need a good short book. stress on short, not good. if it's short enough maybe by the time i realise it's terrible, i'd have been done reading it.

forty-one: after a long pause

2005-11-22T20:59:00.000+08:00

i'm returning to this blog for 2 reasons, one is that i increasingly feel that stopping blogging and having my previous post as the final one is mildly embarassing. two, because i've been reading a couple of blogs and feel that if they have something to say, then likewise, me too.

yes, the CAs are in a week. i have had enough of the CAs really. it's been entirely draining. sadly, i can't relax completely with the half knowledge that something as important as a CA, which will decide the future of mankind (they always seem to decide the future of mankind these days), is in half a year's time.

this end of year feels different. it doesn't feel like the end of a year. not like the past when november was a prelude to a good holiday, prelude to grand things like Christmas and the New year. now it's merely an entracte. which i feel kind of takes away the charm of Christmas. hard to be in the season to give and love when you know in 2 weeks, WHAT! IN 2 WEEKS ONLY, all the nonsense of the rest of year, the expectations, the rhythm, and the major tests, will be breathing down your neck. i shouldn't be complaining probably, since the rest of the world save countries near the south have always been following this.

forty: again

2005-10-20T23:26:00.000+08:00

i really should be getting ready to sleep now. have to do the pre-sleep ritual, bathe, write my journal, do some quiet time. what am i doing now? nothing really? just online wasting some time.

and tomorrow is friday. friday is good because that means i'll be going home and i'll have good efficient internet access there, and not this slow one which doesn't allow me to play WoW. it's kinda sad, yes, i agree. for some it's drugs, others smoking, i guess it's the lesser evil.

listening to come what may.

there's however, anatomy practical tomorrow and i really really dislike that. all that formalin is really destroying me. for 2 hours i stop breathing through my nose, only taking the occasional sniff when i feel adventurous enough and then coughing, no choking, incessantly like it's the plague and i'm dying.

the song's at it's chorus.

i wonder who actually reads this blog. am i ranting to no one in particular. on one hand, i'd like people to read this but on the other, i know the more people read this the more careful i have to be. and anyway, it's not like i have that many friends anyway. whatever. bah. argh.

there are so many things i want now. a driver's license. new shoes. new clothes. a holiday, yes, i want to leave this country real bad and have a change of environment. friends to be with me right now, at this moment. and in case i get everything i ask for here, i'll throw in happiness and world peace.

there is this insatiable desire to delete everything here. 21 minutes to the new day. but only according to the computer clock. who cares what the computer clock says.

the song's over but i'm replaying it again.

thirty-nine: leap of faith

2005-10-18T22:19:00.000+08:00

standing against the precipice of another chapter
looking back at the footsteps against the soft soil
the prints missing some edges in the very beginning
but slowly forming its shape towards this end

peering at the path to this point
feet which have walked on thorny paths
and on hard soil which has since then lost its mark
and hence, hardened, willed, everything God's plan

the precipice upon which things rests and could as easily fall
the sight around displays its beatific grace
and even with the wind chiding and daring
a leap for an end still unseen

thirty-eight: bah

2005-10-16T10:29:00.000+08:00

i should really stop being obsessive about everything in the world. it's darn silly and at the end of it, being obsessive never really helps anything, except give me a migraine with all the unnecessary thought put into something so simple. and maybe my seeing too much in every single thing destroys the very thing itself. oh dear, i've always been like this and my closest friends have always told me to snap out of it because of it's destructiveness.

...

meanwhile, reading and WoW shall be the opiate which will distract my senses. i should add studying because that would be beneficial in other ways, hmm. but still, reading is best. literature is a higher form of self help, as my friend used to say.

and medicine is irritating me because i feel so deficient in what makes us throughly human. where is the personal touch of it. we're trying to be doctors but i feel like everything is mechanical and can be solved with some formula. where is the beauty of life?

and still i feel like there is no difference between going to school nowadays and sitting at home to study. where is the human touch? i feel there is some gap between everyone. everyone's too caught up in work that we're losing the special moments which i think we'd all want to have. it's like already, we're colleagues.

all this is no good. i have become a cantankerous coffee shop uncle with my butt and my feet on the wooden stool, a coffee black in one hand, and the other picking my nose.

degeneration.

thirty-seven: oh well

2005-10-12T21:51:00.000+08:00

something is not right. something which i can't quite put my finger on. i guess it's just one of those days when you feel like crap but there's nothing to put the blame on. and why should i feel this way? i should be happy, things could not be better.

the day masks our true feelings and moods. it's the darkness of the night which reveals how we are. i think it's so easy to hide in the skin which we put on in public. and it's become more and more accesible, more and more convenient and more and more secure. familiarity breeds our new self and we feel comforted when withing that niche which we have carved out for ourselves in public. and so we go about our daily routines doing the same thing, and more impotantly, doing the same things in the same manner.

night comes and there's no one to hide from. the skin is shed for there's no need. for it is futile to hide from ourselves the things which torment us secretly, even during the day.

i would like to get lost in candy floss and heavy rock but then there's such a thing as tooth decay and hearing impairment.

thirty-six: last time

2005-10-04T20:15:00.000+08:00

i think i've been whining a lot these days and i should just shut up and stop whining. been whining to everyone about everything, and whining to myself especially a lot. time to stop the self pity. anyway, i realise that i'm currently whining about whining. which means this is the last. this is such a nonsense post.

thirty-five: irritation expressed

2005-09-26T22:18:00.000+08:00

because of the irritating internet connection here, i am unable to make good the USD$14.99 which i have spent on World of Warcraft. this is very irritating.

thirty-four: life begins

2005-09-23T14:33:00.000+08:00

it's been such a quick week. it's friday now and the mid semester break is coming to an end. i can't help feeling that all too familiar sense that time is passing by too quickly and all i seem capable of doing is staring as the time whips past. and sadly, it's the last mid semester break ever. but it's been a great week, the best possible kind of week i can have. full of what i hope will be memories in weeks and months to come. only thing is i don't have many photos to show for the week. but then again, some things are nicely left to the etches and sketches of the memory.

feeling kind of emotional now. don't know why. and it's not helping that i'm playing angels by sarah mclachlan. sappy songs. maybe it's because it has been quite an emotional week. joy and sadness amalgamated into one. to find the closeness of being but lose amidst the void of distance.

it's been a timely mid semester break. a good rest to reflect on what's come and what's gone, before the wave of schedule forces me back to the rigours of school, and it's accompanying monotony.

thirty-three: on goodbyes

2005-09-19T00:44:00.000+08:00

when you reach home, get on msn and find that people's nicknames have changed to phrases like another friend gone, you realise once again how someone has once again walked out of your life, even if truth be told, that person may never have been especially close to you. maybe it's knowing that you've somewhat lost the option of knowing that person better.

i don't think i've had more than my fair share of goodbyes to say to people - two really close friends, soon three by the end of the week, and a couple of good friends here and there, hardly constitute a life of great loss. but still, i think you just need to lose one great friend to realise that your life is invariably going to be affected by it.

i've always felt this sense of loss whenever i say goodbye to people. uncertain how to feel, whether i want to feel sad. it's really a choice i think, because we can choose not to want to commit to our feelings and choose not to feel at a loss but then isn't that somewhat of an insult to the friend? yet, we can't go around all day being at a loss, because c'est la vie and the reality is that life really does have to go on. we simply can't afford to put ourselves down whenever everyone we know walks out of our lives.

i'm beginning to think that it's a balance somewhere. maybe out heart knows this balance and we feel whatever we're meant to feel naturally, instinctively. if not, then we have to decide for ourselves. i think for a friend who's been there with me through my ups and downs, enduring that period of sadness and all the recurring bouts of desperation must be a deserving tribute.

thirty-two: up and down

2005-09-15T20:07:00.000+08:00

it amazes me how such a small thing can make my day. maybe that's when you know.

thirty-one: ibook rocks

2005-09-15T10:30:00.000+08:00

whoa! i borrowed my friend's laptop to type this. am in the middle of a lecture too. the ibook is really nice although i'm not used to the keyboard and keep pressing the capslock button whenever i need to insert the letter A - how irritating.

the lecture is still going on!

thirty: encore

2005-09-11T22:18:00.000+08:00

i was just taking out my first journal and reading it when i realised that it was just a year and a half since i started writing entries. i read through some of my old entries and lots of feelings came back. you come to recall and remember the people who have made an impact in your life. i felt nostalgic about those times, even as i remembered the incidences which were less happy. not that i would want to relive it again though.

and there's also the realisation that so much has taken place in the span of a year. life should really be measured by a unit like experiences per year. so much has truly happened.

i took out my photo album and scanned through everything. couldn't help feeling the same way.

what will the next year have in store? will life really be so unexpected and different in a year's time from now? it's both a scary and an exciting thought.

but how has the pass year been? it's actually been quite a short and fast year because NS took up almost half of the time. and for some reason, i can't really pinpoint any particle experience, retreive it from my memory and actually feel much for it. time then passed because it had to. that's all. but the time before and after that has been truly amazing. i got to know people so much better in the last three months of JC. now in uni, i'm meeting new faces. i thank God for always blessing me with people who have touched and who have had such a large impact in my life.

to all of you, thank you.

twenty-nine: not in hong kong

2005-09-09T14:19:00.000+08:00

my parents are both in hong kong so here i am at home, with my sister. well. not been doing much so far, don't feel like studying or anything, just not very motivated. i was sleeping a moment ago. oh, it's friday, there was no school today hence i'm back home.

i'm waiting to go out later. i hope it'll be great, hehe.

twenty-eight: just to hit a new low

2005-09-05T22:51:00.000+08:00

i'm not doing anything these days. feel like life is going round and round in circles. i feel like there's nothing to look forward too, nothing to chase. truth is that there's not nothing to chase, more like it just seems so impossible to succeed. doing nothing, moving in circles. what's happening?

things feel so pointless. there's school then a long intermission between the end of school and sleep and there's never anything concrete to fill up my time. and there's always so much longing in between it begins to take a toll.

twenty-seven: it turned out good

2005-09-05T00:04:00.000+08:00

today seemed headed for disaster, i was still feeling sick and i was feeling very muddled, irritated and frustrated about some things in life. really didn't know what i was doing with my life, and didn't know which direction things were going but my RJC 3G class gathering really made me recover from the anger. it was nice meeting up with most the class, like seeing Alex again. not met you for such a long time and finally when you reappear, you have to go so soon. still, it was great meeting you. thank you for the class gathering everyone. and my teacher and her fiance were there and they are SO sweet together, makes everyone just feel like getting married. oh and i'm sorry if i was irritating with all the nonsense questions.

you know, going out with you guys just feels so mature, so grown up, like we're all doing our own stuff but we find time out of our separate lives to meet and recount the old times and to update each other about our lives. hmmm, quite interesting the things we find out about people...... i thought it was quite sad when our teacher said that things will eventually dilute and it'll become harder and harder to feel comfortable with each other. i guess it's sad but it's true. so enjoy whilst it lasts. and i've been tasked with organizing the next one in december. great. it shall be a smashing good one!

twenty-six: city of blinding lights

2005-08-31T17:55:00.000+08:00

twenty-five: city of blinding lights

2005-08-30T05:31:00.000+08:00

unable to sleep now. woke up at 4 am and tossed around for a while before i gave up trying to sleep. i'm due to go running in about an hour's time with Siva and co., and then there's still school and all the pageantry of life. all in a day's work.

i feel like i should restructure my life and change the way i see things once again. change the set of values and the world views which i've held. choose not to become prey to the common afflictions and problems which most people have. disengage from the thoughts of the crowd and begin to exert my own individuality in the world. heck care attitude. hopefully this is just temporary.

it's so much easier to live in the comfortable world where we don't bare our souls to the world, where we don't destabilise our own air of invulnerability and not concede that we can be hurt, painfully, madly and deeply. it's so much easier to cruise through the days, flying like a bee from one place to another without never ever stopping to leave something behind, to maintain that cool composure. to choose to sit and see and look on at the world without emmersing ourselves into the myriad of vibrant emotions which must be the characteristic feature of life. life can be so much easier if we choose to be facetious and flippant, if nothing ever matters and if setbacks were there just to break the consistencies of life. but then, what would be the point. there must be something greater and deeper and more meaningful which we all live for, and at some point we're going to have to concede that much and realise that to feel the summer breeze, one needs to get through the winter freeze.

i'm telling myself that i'm being irrational and that i'm not making sense. but then again, some things just happen and often one conclusion leads to another and before you know it, the US has dropped an atomic bomb and then hundreds of thousands have been killed. things just happen.

twenty-four: arghz

2005-08-28T14:54:00.001+08:00

felt so angry and frustrated when i woke up this morning. can't explain why, but probably a mix of all the things which i feel irritated about, without one thing being anything significant and hence, no major reason to channel rage towards. still mildly irritated now although i took a little bit of alcohol which calms and nullifies the senses.

woke up at 1140am this morning after DnD. felt so much like prom with all the photo taking and stuff. i find myself unable to maintain the level of hype and excitement. the constant finding of poses to take picture with, the touring around the hall taking photos. i don't know why i can't do it and lose the sense of occasion very quickly. and hence, felt sedate for a large portion of the middle section. or at least, less in tuned than the rest. which is another reason why it felt so much like prom. i was so out of touch with the occasion too. but that's a whole different thing.

twenty-three: amazed

2005-08-24T23:31:00.000+08:00

today, i'll be amazed once again by the way things unfold and how life is able to take you through ups and downs, and it's often so unexpected and so shocking when it happens. nothing is going to be as it seems. i'm thinking of so many things which happened today which have either made me happy or gutted, and them not having been anticipated before.

i think i need to spend some time alone. i don't know why i'm suddenly having this feeling, especially when all day this week i've been trying to find people to occupy my life. but maybe i need to go someplace quiet and think about thinks and reflect about life. i don't think i've done this recently and i used to do it so often in the pass. really helps put life in perspective. it's quite hard nowadays, everyone looking like they're doing something. and the place has got to be conducive too. not my room in raffles hall definitely, too spartan. somewhere beautiful, cool, quiet, where nature has exerted its influence. and away from school.

i don't know why i'm putting this all out here but writing is fun.

twenty-two: ode to studying in rj

2005-08-21T21:48:00.000+08:00

i have no idea why but an msn conversation made me start thinking about the times before the A Levels when i stayed in school till around 930 pm to study. rj's a really nice place to study late at nights. there's not many people, the usual crowd of coucillors over at the corner and some other people. kind of like a small community of stay in studyers, some in the library, others in the canteen, but all knowing each other's turf and most comfortable studying place.

it gets even better when it rains and the wind blows through the canteen like a wind tunnel. the canteen, a little shelter for friends to hide in. there's the sound of raindrops battering against the walls of the buildings. the shard of lightning and the clasp of thunder.

and then there's the comforting thought that there's always ghim moh for a late night snack. beef horfun? fish noodles? NO!, not this one but the other one which gives extra noodles for free!

and the long walk out of rj's front gates to get to anywhere, whether it's the dark and desolate red house route, or the long march to the 156 bustop. but it doesn't matter!, dark or long, there's always the company of friends.

rj was a great place to study at. just hope studying at nus will be as good or better. but i know it'll never be the same. those times in rj were a special moment.

twenty-one: goodbye

2005-08-16T21:36:00.000+08:00

sent a close friend of mine away to the States yesterday. lots of my classmates from JC were there. it got me thinking about JC all over again and for a while, it felt like i was going to ghim moh again the next day, to do chem bonding or to study op-amps again. and sitting in my friend's car as he drove some of us back to our homes, made me realise that things have changed and that life has invariably moved on, and that some of us are doing medicine in singapore whilst others are doing it overseas, or that some of us are not doing medicine at all. that the threads of our life have deviated from each other.

and it made me think about a time 8 months ago when i said goodbye to another very special friend. the temporality of people, the evanescence of experience and the transcience of the security which friendship brings. it reminded me of how i felt.

still, i will have to say goodbye to yet another best friend in about a months time. and also other friends who have undoubtedly made a difference in my life.

never said goodbye to friends before. maybe now is when we're growing up. you only know you've grown up when your friends start leaving you for other places. you only know you've grown up when you start attending their weddings and you realise that you've stopped growing when, and now, also if, you say goodbye to them forever.

at the end of the day, all we're doing is skipping stones.

twenty: wasted opportunity

2005-08-15T01:15:00.000+08:00

can't help feeling like it was a missed opening today. shall seize the day in future! carpe diem! haha. and as mog say, going in!

nineteen: a photo i like

2005-08-13T19:05:00.000+08:00

it's taken from soup spoon. i've always liked sitting there and feeling detached from the world, just looking up to it. kind of like a different perspective of this part of singapore. i like this part of singapore. i think it makes me feel like i'm a part of the iconic buildings in singapore, like the night skyline, the fullerton, the esplanade, the arts places. it's a history and heritage laden place, plus more beautiful than the rest of town.

eighteen: home again

2005-08-13T18:51:00.000+08:00

i've begun to find that i'm living life with weekends as markers again, just like in ns. it's probably because of the hall staying thing and hence, there's always this repetition which comes on weekends starting with me packing up my stuff, leading on to boarding first one, then another bus, and finally ending with me plopping those belongings around my house.

i was thinking about the affairs of the week and wondered at how it's turned out. i've always been amazed at how impossible it is to have predicted at the start of a week the way which that week was to twist and turn. a week is really quite a long time if we choose to squeeze every ounce of experience out of it; it seems like such a long time since i left my room last week after staying up to talk to friends after float and rag day. it seems like so much could and should have been done differently even though it's just the time frame of a week.

it's both exciting and scary to stand at the start of a week. weekends are for resting and i've been doing that consistently, just sleeping my saturday afternoons away. feel kind of sedated now. hmph.

seventeen: blah

2005-08-11T00:44:00.000+08:00

this blog shall be the death of me someday. i can just feel it.

sixteen: school starts

2005-08-09T16:26:00.000+08:00

school started yesterday, and finally. was nice to get back to class, nice in an odd sense. even though we're doing a mainly JC covered topic such as cytology, i'd expect to feel like it's just a mere continuation of where i'd left off but certainly things have changed. things like how not everyone is wearing the same thing, how there's generally a less enforcing disciplinary force, how the familiar faces are gone and we're all carving our own niches again. there's more chaos to the say the least. had an online conversation with a friend yesterday night about JC, and it really made me miss the familiarity. guess i don't really like changes in environment. i don't think many people do actually, unless the old environment was really bad.

somewhere in all those thoughts, NS seems to have been nothing but an honest mistake. it's not along the normal timeline, not part of the natural progression of my life, as if there was JC, it left and then came university. and NS doesn't seem to have a part in that spectrum. maybe it should, i think guys my age hold too closely to things we've learned in NS, experiences we've gone through in there. i don't see my parents or their generation constantly reminiscing about that period. i also don't believe that anything you learn there, sword of honour or rifleman, has any impact in this greater outside world where the rules are different.

august seems to be moving on nicely.

fifteen: sixpence none the richer

2005-08-09T00:12:00.000+08:00

Sixpence None the Richer

Your face i see blinds my eyes
Your voice i hear drowns out mine
Your thoughts i collect fools my head
Your touch i dream stings my skin

my senses dimmed,
yet how a sweetness blooms within.

fourteen: stupid mistake

2005-08-06T18:22:00.000+08:00

ok, i made this stupid mistake standing in front of this girl i liked looking like some dumbass from Raffles. yeah, i bet she was going typical, just typical of a raffles boy to do this. heck, even i would have thought that had i witnessed myself. i feel so so stupid. and that's not the worst part.

she was at the fruit store and somehow she took the wrong drink. she took the drink of the guy before her and the guy was being prissy by not being a gentlemen and taking hers. a matter of starfruit and pineapple. rhapsody of starfruit and pineapple. what a bastard. i bet he's not allergic to pineapple anyway. and so there she was in quite a fix and there i was just standing there not saying anything, staring at the debacle before me, establishing myself as the stupid, ungracious, ungentlemenly, un-suave, uncouth, un-everything-that's-good person that i not am. so guess what, some other guy my age, in my faculty, who is in no greater capacity than me - as in, he's not older and hence maturity is not an excuse - offers to buy the drink.

HELLO DEDRICK! OBVIOUSLY YOU DO THAT! NOT STARE!

but it did go through my mind that such was the right thing to do. i just didn't do it. why? why? why? i can't understand.

and now do you agree about how stupid i am. all that time spent with her yesterday and over the past two weeks oh, hey, i hear it going down the drain. grrr...... i'm such a useless guy and so undependable and so hopeless and so so very feckless. i don't think i can depend on myself anymore. this is all so very bad for things between her and me.

you know when i could have volunteered to be ground by the blender and washed under in starfruit and pineapple juice? when the fruit juice aunty said "oh, you're so sweet" to the armour adorning knight, after saving his fair maiden. aaahhh! nnnnnooooo!

i am but a jester. and this is not even funny. sob.

thirteen: orientation over

2005-08-02T21:15:00.000+08:00

it's rather soothing sitting at my desk, typing, surfing the net, with the radio by my side going 'have i told you lately that i love you'. there's the sense of freedom that comes with being alone in my own little space - my roomate is not back - that i like.

it's been an interesting past two days with orientation and all. orientation has been a nice platform to meet people and do things together and i hope that the end of it will not spell the end for my orientation group, or at least, the people with whom i have been consistently interacting with over the past few days. and as i was saying, the past two days have been great at times and insane at others. done some insane things, hmm, which i may actually regret one day. ok, it's not that serious. just something small and silly.

shall find things to occupy my time over the next few days. that's one downside to living alone. there's really nothing much i can do within the confines of my room.

twelve: overwhelming

2005-07-30T02:33:00.000+08:00

so many things have been happening to me these days it's really hard to keep up. i think most of it are things which i've brought upon myself so there's probably no one to blame except myself. like the people whom i allow to walk into my lives. not sure where things are going, what's happening.

so many expectations to fulfill and so many "ideal lives" to live it's impossible. i'd like to have a backbone to stand up for the things that i am so far and to stop seeking for a different me.

it's amazing how other people's lives seem so much more interesting that whatever i'm doing. and there's so little which i can do about it anyway. what am i saying? i don't know.

i think this brooding mood is quite useless. no point complaining here because nothing is going to change.

eleven: hall

2005-07-24T12:23:00.000+08:00

i've thusfar been lodged into raffles hall and to be honest, it's been quite an experience for me. cultural shock is one of the first thing that struck me because for once, being singaporean is a minority in this microcosm. i'm now in an environment where i actually have begun speaking chinese again which i thought was quite funny at first, given my inability to express much in chinese. i don't feel like i'm in singapore anymore, like NUS is a United Nations where the predominant nationality is not mine. it's been an eye-opening experience. there are actually even two exotic hungarians there speaking in their native tongue.

another aspect of hall life which i actually have problems with is how it is able to operate completely independently from the outside world. through the bustle of activities and people you are forced to interact with, and this is actually after speaking to a senior for a first hand opinion, one is able to cease interaction with much of the outside-hall world. i don't know if it's true but the first day of orientation and feeling the zeal and enthusiasm of the seniors, i really have the opinion, that i'm asked to suspend all externally related relationships, be it medicine faculty, old friends, or even the semblance of a personal life, in order to commit myself wholeheartedly to the hall. and this is not from the foreigners in the hall, i can see how being a foreigner makes things very different, but rather from some of the locals, singaporeans like me. i constantly get the feeling of a certain aloofness in that they interact as an insular group. please prove me wrong. there is really so much more to hall life in this world. and my personal, possibly stunted view, is that most of the rest of our lives will not be operated on such nice personal and cosy terms.

i risk being an outsider in my own home but i think i need to do what i believe is right and best for me. i know i'm justifying myself here but heck. at least, maybe you had a good read and laughed and my false earnestness.

ten: argh

2005-07-21T08:18:00.000+08:00

i'm so totally screwed up. i can't make up my mind. and it's all my fault. everything that has happened so far. sometimes you have this picture of yourself and you think you're working towards it but then one day, you'll just realise that you've had enough of it and then you feel like you've wasted all your time.

now just change the you to i. the your to my.

argh, what am i doing. songs are my opiate to life. a place where the rhythm's just fine, the words make sense and everything's in harmony. i am SO totally screwed up.

nine: what's wrong

2005-07-21T08:15:00.000+08:00

why aren't my posts being published!!!

eight: stones a-skipping

2005-07-20T21:08:00.000+08:00

i just got a new laptop and so i was spending some time transfering things from one comp to another. things like my collection of songs - wouldn't want to have to download everything again - or saving photos which i stored in my computer. and then it struck me how my emails which i still keep from people who matter would be lost. i don't think i may ever re-open my old computer. it's now a lost treaure chest.

i got down to reading some of my old messages and it brought back all those memories. memories to die for, memories to tide me through all the times when shit happens. maybe people all go through the same things in life but i like to think, and i'm certain it's true, that everyone's version is that little bit different. after all, we're all different.

it's so amazing how that little word or those three words put together or that short phrase can mean so much. something so simple yet so beautiful. and there's often meaning in everything, this song which you gave to a loved one, or this coffee place where you whined to a listening friend, or a movie which you watched, or a moment, or a sound, or a poem, or a ...

i think God has been very nice to me. the people i've been put around rarely colour my experiences badly. i know so many things which i have fond memories about, places in this world, phases of my life which have been beautiful because of people. yes, you. and you and you.

and there closes one interface into my life.

Seven: Medicamp

2005-07-13T07:14:00.000+08:00

medicamp is today, more accurately it's in 2 hours. before the commencement of this, i'm going through a list of what could potentially go wrong. pessimist. but there's chaos theory and there's no such thing as flower theory or strawberry ice cream theory or something nice theory.

1. my bag is too big. i think i always look like i've overpacked although i'm convinced that my bag adds 10 pounds.
2. i forget everyone's name except my own during ice breakers and have to endure the snide looks of disapproving people. not so bad but really, i remember names badly.
3. icebreakers. they are always high strung and high tension and having to make that 5 minute thesis about myself, and seriously it's not like it's the emmys, is plain hard.

ok, i can't think of anything else but orientation did not go well for me in JC. this isn't orientation actually, it's more like the hor d'oeurve of orientation. okok, must not be pessimistic. psyche up.

Six: 2 kangaroos!

2005-07-12T09:22:00.000+08:00

2 Kangaroos! they're really tame and they won't kick or punck you. i think they're quite small too. i always remember comic books having scarily ginormous kangaroos. maybe a different breed or these are just joeys.

Five: and the blog lives...again!

2005-07-12T09:11:00.000+08:00

i'm back to blogging again! why? well i was blog surfing and i kind of thought that it may be quite nice to have ablog again. besides, i'm so free for the moment i might as well do something. and i got my tag board. copied the code from my old blog. i wonder if thats allowed. i tried to get a separate free one but then they made me sign up for some credit card so NO!, i'm not doing that. bwahaha.

let's see, what have i been doing? um, oh, i just came back from melbourne! it's a nice place, the weather's really great and i love cities which have rivers through them, like paris! and they have a casino which is quite fun i guess if you're with a huge bunch of friends and all of you are losing money and hostile to each other. maybe not fun but funny after a few days.

hmm, oh, medicamp is starting tomorrow yay! geek! oh dear, ok, nevermind and whatever!

um, nothing else to add. just typing and typing.

oh, and life is good!

Four: Time out of Camp

2005-04-17T18:38:00.000+08:00

Time out is always very short. It's fleeting and it's only the first few hours when I really enjoy myself. After a short while, the thought of going back in starts settling in and really, the cycle of dread, apprehension and finally resignation sets in. Why are you so far reaching to deny me even that peace and solitude over the weekend?

Not everyone is cut out for this job. Fancy forcing the whole population to become architects. If anything, this whole experience would have thought me to close my eyes and charge ahead, oblivious to the whole process, preoccupied with what's most immediate.

One more week to go. And then another, and then another, and then another. All i'm doing is skipping stones.

three: life of pi

2005-03-18T21:19:00.000+08:00

just finished reading life of pi. what an interesting account. some parts were quite freaky, honestly, very morbid. picturing sequences in my head sent down chills. i'm still wondering if the account with the animals is the actual one or the one with all the people killing each other. if it's the latter then please explain the whole incident about the acidic algae. but it's interesting how i'd have chosen the story with the animals over the other one with people, just like the japanese gentleman in the novel. natural human inclination? there's this whole irony thing there. and maybe i don't want to see the animal in the human. lord of the flies-esque.

two: so i'm back from penang

2005-03-18T21:08:00.000+08:00

just came back from quite a lovely trip to penang. it's that whole going at it alone idea that makes it so special and unique. playing monopoly till the wee hours of the day, or scrabble on a small dingy little cabin, arguing about not going to penang to eat secret recipe, it's the little things that count.

in the end, it's these little moments which tide us through the hard times. it's these short clips of life, these pockets of memories which we all need to hold on to when things aren't going right for us. it's that temporal joy which we need to use to defend against adversity. it's like shouting at adversity in the face, saying, hey, you can't do nothing to me, i've had good times before, you can't put me down permanently! it's that badge of honour which we pin on proudly proclaiming that there's an experience i have that only i know about. we feel comfortingly superior in the knowledge that i own something you don't and will never have.

one: so i'm back

2005-03-18T20:34:00.000+08:00

i figured that i'd blog since i won't have the time to blog too much anyway, what with being in camp and stuff. and this blog will have a certain direction, not like the previous one which went all over the place without getting anywhere. kind of like

distance = infinity
displacement = 0

i like this design really. chose the big green one thinking that the green looked calming but turns out it's kind of like a sickly green, like vomit green. definitely not good for a blog or anything else for that matter. this one is much improved. maybe a bit ostentatious but pleasing to the eye.

2005-03-18T00:00:00.000+08:00

Liangyuan and I at Pastamania after the collection of the A Level results